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Well, Chet
and I just finished another movie, and as was the case with FRANKENSTEIN, it took three nights for
us to view it. However, unlike FRANKENSTEIN,
which is a crappy movie, The Colony is
pretty darn good until the last 20 or 30 minutes when, alas, it too joins the
ranks of crappy movie-dom.
The Colony: Movie Overview
The Colony (2013) is directed by Jeff Renfroe
and stars Lawrence Fishburne as Briggs, Kevin Zegers as Sam, Bill Paxton as
Mason, Charlotte Sullivan as Kia, and Atticus Mitchell as Graydon. There are,
of course, other actors, but these are the leads. It’s classified as sci-fi
horror and takes place on Earth in a not-too-distant future where global
warming has led not to relentless heat, which many ill-informed people today believe
is our planet’s future, but to eternal winter. And I’ll hand it to whoever was
in charge of visual effects for this movie; the atmospherics are downright
frigid, and even though you’re sitting there in your centrally-heated living
room in front of a huge flat-screen TV, perhaps stuffing your face with popcorn
or chips, you’ll find your teeth chattering.
The Colony:
Plot Summary
In this
dystopian tale, following the onset of “eternal winter,” the people of Earth
begin to die from hunger and crime increases exponentially, so some people leave
the cities to establish colonies where they can maintain at least a semblance
of civilization. Don’t ask me how many colonies are established because no one
in the movie ever says. These colonies, though, are self-sustaining, and since
they have seeds, which they managed to salvage before the cold could destroy
them, the inhabitants can grow vegetables in their hot-house labs, and they’re
prepared to plant crops if and when the Earth thaws and the sun reappears.
The colonists
also have the latest computer technology, thanks to a turbine windmill that
obviously generates power for the colony, though this isn’t explained, but when
I glimpsed the windmill in an early scene, I naturally put two and two together
and came up with four. Still, I can’t help but wonder how one little old windmill
could possibly generate enough power for not only the computers but also the
lights, heat, and appliances. It looks like they’d need a heck of a lot more
than one puny windmill. Plus, one cannot help but wonder how the colonists have
Internet access if the entire world is frozen over and cable providers are no
longer in business.
Anyway, the inhabits
of the colony receive a distress signal from another colony, so Briggs, Sam,
and Graydon bundle up and go traipsing across the frozen tundra to investigate,
leaving Kia in charge, although Mason isn’t happy about her running things, for
several reasons, not the least of which is he’s power hungry.
When the
rescue party reaches the other colony, they discover that the residents have
all been slaughtered, and soon after they encounter the fiends responsible. The
fiends are “feral humans” driven to cannibalism by hunger, or so we can presume,
since Briggs tells Sam that hunger can drive you whacko and make you do
terrible things. These feral humans, though, look a lot like zombies, or least
how zombies are portrayed in movies; and they all have really bad teeth,
despite getting plenty of protein, unlike the members of the colony, who don’t consume
any protein yet have perfectly aligned pearly-white teeth.
Briggs and
Sam manage to escape from the feral humans/zombies/cannibals, but Graydon
becomes their next meal, which Chet and I both figured was going to happen
since Mitchell isn’t a major actor. Then, after blowing the infested colony to
smithereens with the dynamite they brought along on the trek, Briggs and Sam
head back to their own colony, but since the temperature is plunging and night
is descending, they take shelter in a derelict helicopter. Big mistake. They
should have kept going. But they didn’t, and come daybreak, as they step outside,
they see a bunch of feral humans in the distance. Oops! Obviously some of the nasty
things managed to get out before the colony went “Boom.”
Briggs and
Sam run for it, and when they reach a high bridge, or what’s left of it since
it’s pretty dilapidated from not being maintained in the sub-zero climate, they
decide to make a stand. The wind is gusting hard, but after several attempts Briggs
finally manages to light a stick, or maybe it’s a bundle, of dynamite, which he
strategically places in the middle of the bridge. He and Sam then take cover.
And wouldn’t you just know it; the fuse is almost to the initiation point when
the wind blows it out.
Okay, so here
is where the screenwriter and/or director screwed up (pardon the expression). They probably sat down
together beside a huge kidney-shaped pool, had a drink or two or three, shared a joint, and decided that Briggs
was expendable. He is, after all, the "old" guy i the film. So, Briggs, being noble and brave, makes a mad dash for the
dynamite and relights the fuse, thereby sacrificing himself to stop the feral humans
from invading the colony; and from this moment on what has been a good movie
becomes a crappy movie. What’s more, Briggs’ sacrifice is for nothing because most
of the feral humans, being hard-to-kill little buggers, manage not to get blown
up (yet again) and follow Sam back to the colony.
Note: One
thing I should mention is that Graydon, before his untimely demise, is a technology
whiz, and he not only picks up video feed of some guy standing beneath a clear, blue sky but also identifies a blip on a computer screen that supposedly indicates
an area where the Earth has begun to thaw and the sun is shining. (Like I told you, the colony has amazing technology considering the condition of the planet.)
Okay, so the
feral humans/zombies/cannibals follow Sam home, and when they invade the colony,
the few members who aren’t slaughtered, which naturally include Sam and Kia, lock
themselves in a storage room, pry off a hatch, grab bags of seeds, and flee
into the frozen countryside. And that’s how the movie ends, leaving the viewer
to assume that the survivors, knowing the coordinates, will somehow miraculously manage to find their
way to the “thaw” without a compass or GPS or the stars or sun for guidance instead
of freezing their butts off.
The Colony: Movie Cast
Lawrence
Fishburne is always watchable; but
then, he’s one of our finest actors; and his performance as Briggs is impeccable.
Moreover, Briggs is the most likeable character in the film. Bill Paxton is
also excellent in the role of Mason, but like Fishburne, Paxton knows how to
act; and Kevin Zegers, whom I don’t recall ever seeing before this movie, does
a good job as Sam, a brooding young man who disagrees with some of the colony’s
rules. Atticus Mitchell is also good as Graydon, although, as I said, his character isn’t a
major character, which explains why he gets devoured instead of Sam. Finally, there’s Charlotte
Sullivan as Kia. Well, suffice it to say that Sullivan would benefit from a few
more acting lessons.
Movie Rating for The Colony
I
am a realist through and through when it comes to literature and movies, so I
like believability in not only
settings and situations but also characters; and one major flaw with this movie,
besides the ending, is how Sullivan’s character, unlike the other female
characters, is always photo-shoot glamorous. I mean, please. Just where on Earth does this “Kia” person get her eyeliner,
eye shadow, lipstick, and foundation when the entire planet is frozen solid?
It’s not like there’s a Walmart, Walgreen’s, CVS, or Rite Aid on the corner. And
just who does her hair in those bouncy little ringlets? Plus, it’s so bitterly
cold that people in the colony go around inside wearing stocking caps, several
layers of shirts and sweaters, gloves, and thick jackets, so how does this
woman stay so squeaky clean? If she even attempted to bathe, it looks like she
would immediately turn into a giant icicle, albeit one with curves.
My rating for
this movie is “Not see again,” well, that is, at least the last 20 to 30
minutes, which is when what begins as an entertaining and very watchable sci-fi
horror movie rapidly degenerates into a crappy movie.
