The Perils of Winning a Sweepstakes

Photo by Rusty Boxcars

I keep receiving letters from Publishers Clearing House about this really great sweepstakes with a grand prize of $5,000 a week for life. That’s right, for life. I mean, you do the math; that’s $260,000 a year; and as my daddy would say, “That ain’t nothing to sneeze at.” Look at it this way: If a person wins the grand prize and he’s, oh, let’s say 30-years-old, and the average life expectancy is 78, then that person will receive $260,000 a year for 48 years, which, according to my trusty calculator, amounts to over 12-million smackeroos.. Of course, at my age I might be lucky to receive the money for only 30 years.; but, still, that’s a lot of money, and I was thinking the other day about what I’m going to do with all that money when I win it (How’s that for positive thinking?).

First, I thought, I’m going to retire. Second, I’m going to move back home to Georgia. Third, I’m going to buy a place in the country where I can have a horse or two and a vegetable garden. Fourth, I’m going to help other people, since what good is money if you keep it all to yourself? Of course, I’m also going to order several cases of wine from Eveningside Vineyard in New York State, since it’s “like drinking pure nectar” (Okay, Karen, there’s the plug; now send me some more wine.)  

As I sat there, however, envisioning what I was going to do with all that money when I won it, I had an epiphany (a moment of profound insight), at least one of sorts. “Okay, so what’s the catch,” I wondered. “Surely, after all, there has to be catch. I mean, is Publishers Clearing House really going to shell out that kind of money for someone’s entire lifetime? Hmm, but wait a minute—what if PCH can shorten a person’s lifetime?”

And that’s when I began having visions of hit men sneaking up on me when I least expected it (Does anyone ever expect it?). I could easily see these burly guys, dressed all in black, and looking amazingly like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction, lurking around corners, trailing me relentlessly, sneaking up on me in the dark or even in full daylight, just waiting to spring out and with a “Plop!”, since hit men’s guns are equipped with silencers, put an end to my guaranteed lifetime income.

So, what’s my point? Hmm, let me think a minute. Okay, I thought about it, and I think my point is that maybe I’d be better off not to win the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes. No, wait, that can’t be my point. After all, at least I’d be rich, which means that I could afford to install an electrified fence around my property; buy a pack of attack dogs, probably Dobermans and Rottweilers; and hire a body guard, preferably one that looked like John Travolta did in Pulp Fiction, because he sure looked intimidating in that movie—cute, too.

What's Happening to the English Language?

Photo by Rusty Boxcars

Today I was thinking about our language and how people, both Yankees and we Southerners, misuse certain words, specifically the five little words “up, down, bring, take,” and “catch.”

What started me thinking along these lines was something my husband, Chet, said just yesterday. He said, “I’m going to call up Pete.” "Call up?" I thought. "But how do you call up someone? 

After all, according to Webster’s, the word "up" means, (1) “from a lower to a higher place; away from or out of the ground; in or on a higher position or level; (2) in a direction or place thought of as higher; (3) above the horizon; (4) to a later period (from childhood up); (5) to a higher or better condition; (6) to a higher amount or degree; (7) in or into an upright position; (8) in or into existence, action, view, evidence, etc.; (9) into an excited or troubled state; (10) aside, away, by (lay by grain for the winter); (11) so as to be even with in space, time, degree," etc.; and the list goes on and on and on; but not once does Webster’s provide a definition that would allow one to call up someone else on the telephone (Webster’s, 1990, p.1559).

And then there’s the word “down.” People say, “I’m going to go down to visit Aunt Jo at the rest home;” or “I’m gonna really get down tonight and bogie at the Country-Western joint out yonder on the highway.” Okay, although I won’t bore you with all the definitions of “down,” like I did “up,” suffice it to say that, just like up, the word down has myriad definitions, none of which support one’s using it as it’s used in those two examples. 

Next, there’s “bring” and “take,” two words that people misuse all the time. For example, someone might say, “I’m going to bring Mama to the store.” “No, wait,” I want to say. “Don’t you mean you’re going to take Mama to the store? You’re only going to bring her to the store if the store is here and Mama is somewhere else.” After all, we “take” things away from where we are at any given moment, but we bring them toward us. For example, “I am going to take this chocolate cake to the meeting of the Ladies Auxiliary tomorrow; but I hope to be able to bring home some of Charlene’s coconut pie if Myrtice doesn’t eat it all the way she did last time.” I don’t care what people say, but we bring things or people from a place that is distant to a place that is nearby; however, we take things or people from a place that is nearby to one more distant. Yes, we can, however, take things, meaning retrieve of pilfer them, from someone or someplace; for example, "He took all my money and spent it on beer;" or "I am going to take this book and carry it over to the sofa, where I am going to lie down and read for a while."

Finally, there’s the word “catch.” I don’t know when I first noticed this trend, but people today say things like, “She caught a heart attack;” or “He caught a headache.” What? How on earth can anyone catch a heart attack or headache? Since when are these maladies contagious? Yes, one can catch a cold, but a heart attack? I don't know about you, but, although I could perhaps tolerate catching a headache, a heart attack is a different story entirely. If I can catch a heart attack from being exposed to someone who has actually experienced cardiac arrest, then it's enough to make me want to stay indoors and call up people and not bother with bringing or taking anything or anybody anywhere.

Webster’s New World Dictionary (1990); New York; Random House