Jesus Christ for President in 2020: Why He Wouldn't Be Elected

We have another presidential election looming on the horizon, and, unless something changes, it’s apparently going to be a contest between our current Tweeter-in-Chief, aka Donald Trump, and Joe Biden, a man who oftentimes appears to live in an alternate reality. Not that one couldn’t say the same thing about Trump, but we won’t go there, at least not now.   

Anyway, out of curiosity I recently decided to take a poll by asking various individuals their choice for our next president. The first person I asked was one of my neighbors, who shall remain anonymous since I must live in this neighborhood.

His response was, “Neither one. They’re both scoundrels.” 

Nodding, given he had a point, I said, “Well, whose name would you like to see on the ballot?”

Removing his baseball cap, he scratched his head, slapped the cap back on, and pondered the question for a few minutes. I had just about decided he wasn’t going to reply when he finally did.

“Jesus,” he said and smiled.

“Jesus?” I echoed.

“Yep, that’s what I said, all right, Jesus.” He squinted one eye. “Can you think of a better candidate?”

“No,” I replied. “Reckon not.” After all, the Lord would surely be the only completely honest man who’d ever sat in the Oval Office, no disrespect intended for Abraham Lincoln.

After my neighbor and I parted ways, I mulled over his response, and I reached a conclusion: While no one can question the honesty of the Son of God, I seriously doubt that He would be elected, much less nominated—and that’s presuming Jesus were to miraculously appear and announce his candidacy for this nation’s highest office.

As for exactly why Jesus would not be elected, much less nominated, well, let’s examine the background and character, both positive and negative, of this hypothetical White House contender:

On the positive side:

1. Jesus Christ is definitely charismatic, and His popularity among humankind is unparalleled. In fact, over the last 2,000+ years, Jesus has established a worldwide and extremely diverse constituency, with followers numbering in the billions.
2. The Lord’s past is unsullied, so there are no skeletons rattling around in His closet for tabloids to uncover or the other party to use to destroy His credibility among voters. Granted, yes, Jesus has been known to partake of the fruit of the vine, but enjoying a glass of vino every now and then is hardly tabloid fodder.
3. The Son of God has no previous political record to tarnish His good name because He has never served in the legislature or Senate, as mayor of a city, or as governor of any state.
4. He is a miracle worker, which is a definite plus, so Jesus could effortlessly erase the national debt, terminate the ongoing conflict in the Middle East, stabilize the climate, and eradicate poverty and hunger around the globe, just as easily as he fed over 4,000 with seven loaves of bread and a few small fishes, healed the deaf and blind, walked on water, and raised the dead.   
5. Jesus would never allow his decisions to be influenced or “bought” by political action committees. After all, when Satan (probably the forefather of special-interest groups) offered Jesus “all the kingdoms of the world, and the glory of them,” the Son of God simply replied, “Get thee hence, Satan.”  And that was the end of that.

On the negative side, however:

1. Jesus is only 33-years-old, and a presidential candidate must be at least 35.
2. He is a Nazarene and not a citizen by birth of the United States, which is another requirement.
3. Jesus is homeless, having “nowhere to lay his head,” and, thus, has no permanent address with which to establish the residency requirement.
4. His staff consists of fishermen, a former tax collector, and some weird dude named John, who dresses in “raiment of camel hair,” with “a leathern girdle about his loins,” and dines upon “locusts and wild honey.” I mean, what kind of “PR” image does that project, huh?
5. Jesus is a pacifist, and His platform is based on “turning the other cheek,” a trait that makes His suitability for Commander in Chief in times of war rather questionable. Moreover, His aversion to violence—“Thou shalt not kill”—would probably not go over too well with the National Rifle Association, an organization that supports the right to bear arms and uses its Political Victory Fund to influence (buy) political candidates and elected officials.  
6. Jesus doesn’t dress the part. No $400 haircuts, Armani suits, and red power ties for the Son of God. He has long, shaggy hair and a beard, wears a plain wool or linen robe, depending upon the season, a pair of sandals, and looks like a 60’s flower child.
7. Since Jesus could—and surely would—end the conflict in the Middle East, the military industrial complex, subcontractors, Big Oil, and politicians who are currently making a financial “killing” from this conflict would demand His head on a platter.
8. Finally, since Jesus would not allow Himself to be influenced or “bought” by special interest groups, every decision He made would immediately be shot down by the Senate, both Republicans and Democrats alike.   

On the other hand, the above points, both pro and con, are quite irrelevant, since as I initially said, it is unlikely that Jesus Christ would be elected even if nominated.

Sure, maybe you would vote for Him. I know I most certainly would. I cannot help but think, however, that the majority of American voters, most of whom are conservative at heart, would never cast their ballots for a left-wing radical revolutionary like the Son of God.

Yes, you heard me correctly. Jesus Christ is a left-wing radical revolutionary. After all, doesn’t he sit down and dine with sinners? Doesn’t he interfere with the legal process? For example, as recorded in the Holy Bible, Jesus Christ prevented a woman taken in adultery from being stoned to death, even though stoning was the law of the land. What’s more, doesn’t Jesus condemn greed, materialism, lasciviousness, and lust? So think about it. With Him in control of this country, wouldn’t things like Cadillac Escalades, Gucci bags, Rolex watches, super-sized wide-screen TVs, X-rated movies, and girlie magazines all become things of the past? Also, what about the entire concept of capitalism? Didn’t Jesus lose His cool and go on a rampage, overthrowing tables and tossing about chairs, as He purged the temple of the money-changers? Didn’t the Son of God say that it’s easier for a camel to enter the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God?

Finally, as if all of that isn’t enough to make His chances of being elected slim to none, most people would surely take exception with his social views, views that closely correspond to those of the Essenes, who espouse communitarian brotherhood and are, in fact, socialists and anarchists. Therefore, Jesus, as president, would probably have the socialist motto hanging over his desk in the Oval Office: “To each according to his need; from each according to his ability.” Seriously now, do you think the millions of Americans who believe the rich are rich because they “deserve” to be rich and the poor are poor because they’re “lazy” and prefer living on welfare are going to sit quietly by while their wealth is shared with the downtrodden and destitute of this country? Well, neither do I. After all, it isn’t the “American Way.”

And that, my friends, is why Jesus Christ, even if nominated, would never be elected President of the United States. It is also why we keep getting people sitting behind that fancy desk in the Oval Office who fail to make this country a better place for all of us—rich, poor, black, white, red, yellow, young, old, male, female, gay, or straight—and, instead, invariably seem to make conditions worse. And if you don’t think things are getting worse, then you have not been paying attention.