How to Tell When You're Getting Old

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How do you tell when you’re no longer a spring chicken or, in other words, getting old? I have given this question the serious consideration it deserves and, in the process, which, by the way, was quite exhausting, devised a checklist by which you can measure exactly where you rank on the “chicken” scale. 

You’re no longer a spring chicken but instead an old hen or rooster when you notice certain phenomena beginning to occur; for example:

1.       You receive a compliment that is either preceded or followed by a qualifier related to age, for example:

1. You’re in really great shape for your age.
2. I hope I look as good as you when I’m your age.
3. When I’m your age, I hope I have half as much energy as you.

2. Waiters, waitresses, store clerks, and other total strangers call you “Sweetie" or "Dear."
3. People tell you that you’re “adorable” and “cute” instead of “beautiful,” “handsome,” or “sexy.”
4. Men in their mid-to-late 30’s and early 40’s ask, “How’re you today, young lady?” (Or “young man,” as the case may be)
5. The skin on your upper arms and thighs reminds you of a Bloodhound. Come to think of it, so does your face.
6. Your eyebrows disappear.
7. If you’re a woman, you no longer have to shave under your arms but find your legs need shaving twice a day.
8. If you’re a man, you have to keep trimming these black, wiry hairs not only from your nostrils but also your ears. 
9. If you’re a woman, a really stiff hair begins sprouting from your chin, and although you pluck it out or shave it off, it keeps coming back, sometimes overnight.
10. If you’re a man, your chest hair becomes virtually nonexistent.
11. Even though you’re wearing bifocals, you cannot read the fine print.
12. You clean things solely by touch.
13. You apply polish to your toenails by dabbing in their general direction and hoping at least some hits the mark.
14. You regularly receive advertisements in the mail for hearing aids, Scooter chairs, walk-in tubs, assisted-living homes, and funeral plots.
15. You wake up in the morning and realize everything hurts, but when you go to bed at night, it still hurts.
16. You look in the mirror and see your mother or father or maybe crazy Uncle Harry or eccentric Aunt Fran staring back at you.
17. You have to write down the number of the lane where you park your car at the mall or else you’ll never find it again.
18. You have to think for a while when someone asks your spouse’s age, the date of your wedding anniversary, or your children’s birthdays.
19. You can’t remember your neighbors’ first names, let alone their last names.
20. You have almost as many crowns in your mouth as real teeth, that is, if you’re lucky enough to still possess any real teeth.
21. Your little toenail is merely a nub or else has disappeared entirely.
22. You see your scalp in places where you used to see hair.
23. At night before retiring, you put the cat in the refrigerator and the left-over tuna casserole outside on the doorstep.
24. When you read this list, you recognize yourself in at least half of the items.