"Fat Guys in the Woods" Is Not the Weather, but It's Entertaining

Google Images (2014)

I turned on the Weather Channel today while I was cleaning house. Why? Well, obviously I wanted to get the latest weather forecast, specifically for south Louisiana, since some severe weather is slated to move into our area overnight. I was also curious about weather conditions in New York State, given we have relatives in the Buffalo area and they’ve had something like eight feet of snow over the last several days.  Speaking of which, did you know snow that deep can not only bury your car but your house? It can also accumulate on your roof and eventually cause it to collapse. I guess it can bury you as well if you stand outside in one spot for too long, but I’m sure folks up there already know that already and don't take any chances.

Anyway, as I was saying, I turned on the Weather Channel to get the weather. The weather report, after all, is what one expects to find when one turns on a television station named the “Weather Channel,” wouldn’t you agree? But guess what. I didn’t get the weather. What I got was some show called “Fat Guys in the Woods.”  And believe it or not, but I actually watched the show for a few minutes (more like 20 or 25) since it was entertaining in a strange kind of way.  

"Fat Guys in the Woods" is about a survivalist named Creek Stewart (Who on Earth would name a kid "Creek"?). He has long, blond hair worn in a ponytail, and for his more than likely considerable salary, he takes several overweight, normally sedentary guys, whose idea of a hike is going from the sofa to the fridge and back again during half time, out into the middle of the woods and teaches them how to survive by using Mother Nature to their benefit. 

In the segment I saw, it’s the dead of winter and there are four fat guys. For the first few days, Stewart teaches these fat guys the basics, namely the necessities of survival like how to build a warm, snug shelter out of branches and leaves, how to start a fire using a condom (I kid you not), and how to sterilize water with hot rocks. (Between the two of us, I have to wonder just how many people who get lost in the woods are equipped with the item mentioned in the second example.)

On with the story: For the “basic training” period, which lasts several days, the four guys complain that they are starving because they can’t find anything to eat except moss, nuts, and leaves. And to prove they are starving, a counter appears in the corner of the TV screen showing you how many calories they have consumed since the beginning of their grand adventure.  For example, at the end of day one, the counter reads “Calories consumed: 0”. At the end of the second day, the counter reads “Calories consumed: 60”. So you can imagine how thrilled the fat guys are when they finally get a meal containing substantial calories, even though they are initially reluctant to consume said meal since it consists of fired bees dipped in honey. (Sounds yummy, doesn’t it?)

How do they come by the bees and honey? Well, initially they build some traps in hopes of catching a squirrel, rabbit, or other four-legged critter, but when they don’t have any luck, as demonstrated by their head shaking, long faces, and mumbled curses, Stewart tells the fat guys to stop complaining and go find anything even remotely edible. So off they go, traipsing around in the woods, and one fat guy locates a rotten log, in which he spies some dead bugs. He calls Stewart and the other guys to come see; they come running; Stewart peers at the bugs and shouts, “Eureka, we’ve got bees!” (Well, something to that effect), after which he tells the four fat guys that bees are not only edible but contain all the vitamins and minerals necessary to sustain life on this planet (Well, maybe those aren’t his exact words, but they’re close). What’s more, Stewart says that the log is filled with honeycombs, and as everyone knows, honey is basically sugar, which contains substantial calories and produces energy.  So, get this: By preparing a feast of bees and honey, the survivalist and four fat guys can ward off starvation for the next few days.  

Okay, they enjoy their feast of fried bees dipped in honey, and Stewart tells the fat guys that, come morning, it’s time for them to set out alone in separate directions and use the survival techniques they’ve learned. So, at sunrise, the fat guys do exactly that. They go marching off to build shelters out of leaves, start fires with condoms, sterilize water with rocks, and live off Mother Nature. Of course, Stewart, being the mentor of the four, walks around checking up on everybody so they won’t do anything too stupid and get themselves killed.

Finally, day seven arrives, and Stewart praises each guy for demonstrating his true grit by “hanging tough” and not giving up. He also tells the guys that they can take the skills they’ve learned and use them to succeed in the real world when they return to civilization. How? Heck if I know, but that’s what he says. Maybe in the “real world” the four fat guys can all get high-paying jobs in Cooperate America since Big Business is always on the lookout for folks who can build fires using a condom.

So just what is the point of this blog post? Oh, that, I almost forgot. The point is that I turned on the Weather Channel to get the weather forecast for our area, and what I got instead was a lesson in survival. Oh, and I never did get the weather, because the next time I turned on the station, it was airing some show about strange happenings of the supernatural kind at a place called Devil’s Gate Dam somewhere out there in sunny California.