Only in Louisiana: Toilet Paper Heist

Photo by Rusty Boxcars

As I’ve mentioned before, I read the newspaper every day, but not just any old newspaper. I read The Advocate, aka “My Newspaper of Choice.” And, no, to dispel any misconceptions you might have, I am neither employed by The Advocate nor do I receive any form of compensation for touting it as the best newspaper, by far, in the entirety of Louisiana. (Although, come to think of it, perhaps I should ask for a free subscription, at the very least.)

Anyway, in Friday’s Advocate I read an interesting article by the River Parishes Bureau about two men being charged with theft in the town of Gonzales, which is located in Rapides Parish (Down here in the swamps they have parishes, not counties). It seems the guys were stealing from the public restrooms in Jambalaya Park. Yes, that’s right, stealing from public restrooms. These guys, however, weren’t charge with stealing sinks, toilets, wiring, or any form of hardware, so dismiss that image from your mind. They were accused of stealing toilet paper. Yes, that’s right, toilet paper, and 60 rolls no less.

Now, I ask you, what on earth did these two morons intend to do with 60 rolls of toilet paper? Resale it on the hot-toilet-paper market? After all, toilet paper isn’t exactly cheap these days. Well, that is unless you purchase the kind with all the texture and softness of a page from a Sears and Roebuck Catalog, which is what my grandparents used to put in the outhouse, along with back issues of Reader’s Digest, since toilet paper was a luxury item.  

Then again, perhaps the two morons intended to use the paper in a prank, you know, maybe toilet-paper the yards, bushes, lawn furniture, and any dogs or cats that happened to get in the way at some other moron’s house? I can just see them running around, laughing, and flinging toilet paper all over everything. Come to think of it, my daughter, Kathy, and I once did this. Of course, she was a teenager back then, could behave quite immaturely at times, and was a bad influence on her mama.

And now, since it’s almost 2:00 in the morning here in the alligator and mosquito infested swamps of south Louisiana, I will leave you with the moral of the story: It’s all right to squeeze the Charmin, but leave it on the dispenser. (All right, so sue me. That’s the best I can come up with at this godawful hour.)

Source: River Parishes Bureau; “Two Charged in Park Toilet Paper Thefts;” The Advocate; Friday, January 13, 2012, p. 5B